CHARACTER SHEET (aka "pretending I'm a tabletop roleplaying game character sure makes it easier to tell jokes")
CLASS: BARD (glorified jester who will definitely entertain you but can't pick a medium and stick to it)
ORIGIN: RAISED BY THE INTERNET (and also my parents I guess)
STRENGTH: 8/20 Never asked to stack the chairs. Not to be trusted with jars. Accidentally punched my friend once and came out more injured than he did.
DEXTERITY: 12/20 Good reflexes, but clumsy. Case in point: threw cooked spaghetti everywhere but caught it full-fist before it hit the ground.
CONSTITUTION: Undefined. I have an "accidentally ate two week old leftovers and was fine"-type iron stomach, but sometimes breathing gives me a tummy ache.
CHARISMA: Undefined. I’m a writer. You’re the audience. This score is up to you, dog.
INTELLIGENCE: 15/20 Filled with facts that you'd consider useless until you find yourself about to mix two chemicals that should NEVER be mixed. I contain about eight AP exams and a few hundred Wikipedia articles.
WISDOM: 15/20 You figure out a lot of stuff when you talk to yourself about it for a few hours. Ability bonus doubles when applied to other people's problems.
Resistance to poison (see: leftovers incident).
WEAPON: “my sick axe dude” (keytar)
ARMOR: “The Cringe Jacket” (one (1) entire tax return; absorbs and reflects psychic damage), “The Italian Jeans” ($90 retail, $20 thrifted; useless zippers distract opponents), Docs (immune to piercing damage)
INVENTORY: Planner (I die instantly without it), Spock Prayer Candle, work gloves/swiss army knife/electrical tape/tape measure, and four (4) comically large keychains.